Thedas Road Trip
by narutoprincessauthor
Summary: All members of the Inquisitions inner circle go on a road trip through a modern world version of Thedas, with adventures and high jinks obviously bound to happen. MODERN AU
1. Chapter 1

"Did we get Sera's second toothbrush? She always loses her first."

"Yes."

"What about Cullen's favourite jacket?"

"I made sure of everything three times."

"Cole's sunscreen? Remember, he burns really easily."

"I have five bottles in the bag. What part of 'made sure three times' did you not get?"

"What about the lube?"

Dorian snapped.

"For god's sake Bull can you trust me when I say I remembered everything?!"

Bulls hands flew up in a defensive position.

"Hey I'm just making sure. Last time you said that we forgot one of Vivienne's suitcases and she made the entire trip hell. I'm just making sure that never happens again."

Bull stuffs the last of his oversized t-shirts into a small travel sized suitcase.

"Fair enough. That ordeal made me sure to stick to the van she wasn't in this year."

Before Dorian could jam the last of the toothpaste into the toiletry bag, he felt large hands close around his waist.

"Can you believe it's come around again? The annual summer road trip?"

A small smirk fell onto Dorian's face.

"Do I detect sentiment from the Iron Bull? The one person in the group who insists he has no feelings?"

Dorian gets playfully shoved aside.

"This one's special. We'll all be college seniors next year so this is probably our last one where everyone can come."

He offers his hand in support. Dorian takes it.

"Fair enough, now let's get the last of the suitcases in the car before Sera shows up at our door and destroys our welcome mat again."

"For someone so disorganised she sure hates being kept waiting."

Dorian grabbed the handles of four fairly large suitcases in excitement.

"Alright my amatus let's get these suitcases down to the van, I got Cullen, Cole, Sera and Varric's stuff that They dropped off yesterday, do you have ours?"

The comedic sight of Bull nearly suffocating under about seven bags nearly made Dorian chuckle. Bulls face a mixture of amusement and annoyance.

"And you say Vivienne's the one who overpacks."

Once the last suitcase was shoved into the oversized rental vans trunk, a sigh of relief escaped both Bull and Dorian.

"I'm so glad Cullen's driving this year. Its torture not being able to doze off."

Dorian nudged Bull in the ribs.

"Yea, at the cost of us paying for the van."

The ground began to look further away from Dorian as he was lifted off the ground and pulled into a fierce hug. Bull overly happy.

"But this year we're a couple, I've heard car sex is amazing."

A hand connected with Bulls face in a playful slap mixed with a giggle.

"There's going to be four people with us, you know that?"

A wicked smirk fell onto Bulls face.

"The tents and motels mean we'll get it to ourselves at least once during this trip."

A final playful push encourages Bull to let go and both pile into the van, bull driving for the moment.

"Sera first. For all I know she's already on her way to destroy our new welcome mat. You better floor it. This one was expensive."

"You got it kadan."

Three stops and one stop for breakfast later, everyone planned to be in car A was squished into the rental van. Cullen driving, Sera in shotgun, Dorian and Bull in the passenger seats, Varric and Cole in the very back. The potent scent of fresh leather and cologne from the last renter being overly prominent, Making both Dorian and Cullen gag after about twenty minutes of exposure.

"Sera do you have some perfume or something?"

Bull asked mildly.

"I cut my own hair and shower once a week what the hell do you think?"

"Point taken, and remind me to hurl you into a pool any chance I get"

Seconds later A loud aerosol trigger sound was heard from the back of the car. A smug look of satisfaction on Varric's face.

"One look through the first one of Sparklers bag and it was the first thing I saw."

The look faded quickly though as everyone in the car started violently coughing due to the overwhelming scent.

"Varric you dumbass! That was my hairspray."

"It had flowers on it. How was I supposed to know!"

Cullen had to pull the car over as everyone piled out onto the side of the road. All doors of the van open to let it air out. Sera punched Varric as soon as they were both out of the

Car.

"You Seriously still use our high school freshman nicknames? Everyone stopped that sophomore year."

Varric shrugged.

"It reminds me of our origins. A geeky high school dungeons and dragons Live action role play group. Who can forget Buttercup the sweet village flower picking elf or Curly, the serious, broody dragonborn, Sparkler the flamboyant orc and my personal favourite, Tiny the rock gnome who never shut up."

Everyone let off a small shiver, Sera being the worst as her voice held audible disgust.

"Ugh! Cringe. Why does anyone want to remember that?"

Varric shrugged.

"Meh, I had enough fun with it. And everyone is still friends so some good came out of it."

Bulls eyes shifted to the gassed up van.

"That's questionable at this moment."

The extremely loud blare of a car's horn scared everyone enough to turn their heads around in curiosity.

"What's the problem guys?"

Josephine's head sticking out of a second large van, all the windows of the car rolled down revealed the rest of the party, clearly curious as to why the first car was pulled over.

"Varric gassed the van with hairspray, we're waiting for it to air out."

The exasperation in Sera's voice matched everyone's feelings of mutual annoyance.

"I brought a portable fan if you guys want to borrow it."

"Of course the always prepared Solas saves the day."

Bull grabs the fan Solas offered through the window and sets it on the middle seat.

"With this we should be good in five minutes."

A united sigh of relief came from everyone within van A as van B drove off. A glint in Dorian's eyes suggested a memory almost lost.

"You know, no matter how bad this was, nothings ever gonna be worse than when Sera's stink bomb went off prematurely in the van. It was so bad that the rental company made us pay double on the security deposit. I don't even know if that's legal."

Sera attempted a punch on Dorian, but Bull caught her.

"I've told you guys a million times, it was meant for the stuffy art exhibit Josephine was going to drag us all to. It was for the greater good!"

Everyone's eyes rolled. Varric piped up.

"Didn't feel like the greater good when the car company nearly banned us from future rentals. They were pissed."

With the accusing eyes all on Sera, she tried desperately to change the subject.

"Hey, Varric was the one to spill Shirley temple on the fabric seats last year."

"You know damn well you knocked the glass out of my hand."

"Did not."

"You did though."

"No I didn't."

"ENOUGH."

Bulls loud voice ripped through the air, frustration totally present.

"We aren't even two hours into this trip and bickering is already happening. This is most likely our last trip where everyone is able to come so everyone get back into the car and chill or so help me I will turn this car around!"

The entire group fell silent for ten whole seconds before Cole broke the silence with his first words of the trip.

"But The Iron Bull, Cullen is driving us. Wouldn't he have to say that, not you?"

Everyone but Cole flinched, expecting bull to get mad again, throw a fit and punch something, but no one expected roaring laughter to escape the bull.

"Fair enough point Cole, I can't argue with that, now everyone, get your asses back in the van before I punch something, or someone."

There was no hesitation by anyone. It almost looked like a race to jam into the van, Varric and Dorian getting stuck in the door in the process.

"I got in first Sparkler, back off."

"As if. I was two steps ahead of you. You're four foot eleven, there's no way you were faster than me."

A large hand grabbed Dorians wrist and yanked him across the seats.

"What did I just say about arguing you two?"

A devilish grin spread across The Iron Bulls face.

"Looks like I'll have to punish you, kadan."

In a swift movement, bull had sat Dorian on his lap. Completely immobilized by Bulls large, muscly arms. Of course Dorian struggled against his strength to no avail.

"Ugh, Bull please, this is uncomfortable. I want my own seat."

A kiss was planted on Dorian's cheek before Bull answered.

"This is your new seat until our first stop. which, update, is in three hours kadan."

Light chuckles could be heard throughout the van. Exempt from Sera.

"Ugh, save the sweetness until I'm asleep, it's bad enough Varric still uses our freshman nicknames but you guys using those geeky fantasy languages for affection? Open the window, I'm about to hurl."

To make a point, she rolled down her window to stick her head out for a solid ten minutes.

Bull using those precious ten minutes to kiss Dorian all over his face and neck. An act Sera had made clear she hated, and would resort to physical violence to stop.

Varric let out a mutter that was only picked up by Cole, who was sitting four inches away from him.

"God almighty. If this was the first two hours, I can only imagine what the next month will be like."


	2. Chapter 2

Hello readers.

I like this story more than I thought I would meaning I really enjoy writing it. So seeing it get even a few followers makes me feel this story is so worth the effort writing.

If you haven't caught on, I use some real life road trip occurrences as fuel for this story. They can provide great material. It's just up to you to decide what you think is real or fake if you want. Anyways thank you for reading past the first chapter and enjoy the second

P.s there will be smut in later chapters.. This is rated M for a reason

"It's been three hours, can you let me go now Bull?"

Dorian had given up breaking free two hours ago, but at this point his legs had lost all feeling, same as everyone else in the van, and everyone was much in need of a pit stop. A large billboard caught Cullen's attention.

"There's an Antivan restaurant in two miles, what do you guys say? Everyone hungry?"

A chorus of relieved cheers erupted from every corner of the van, except for one. Bulls face held a frown instead of the grins on everyone else's faces.

"Are there any other places to stop? Antivan foods not my favourite for a few reasons."

A new chorus of groans rang through the car. Cullen being the voice of reason among the annoyed shouts of protest.

"That was the first billboard I've seen in an hour and a half, it's either this place or who knows how much longer in this van with everyone being cranky, hungry and bitter."

Bull let out a heavy sigh.

"Fine, but accept the consequences when we're done."

All too quickly the van was pulled over and everyone piled out. Dorian and varric ended up stuck again but for a much shorter amount of time as Bull kicked the seat of Varric's pants, causing both of them to face plant into the dusty parking lot.

"Bull! That wasn't necessary. Now my best clothes are dirty."

Its barely seconds before Dorian is hoisted hastily from the ground into bulls arms.

"Who wears their best clothes on the first day of a road trip? Save them for our signature black tie day."

Dorian scoffed.

"Please, every day's signature black tie day to me."

An exasperated look escaped Bull before he dropped Dorian back onto the ground before following the rest of the group into the restaurant.

"You are the most unsupportive boyfriend ever!"

Dorian shouted before brushing the dirt off his pants alongside Varric.

"Count yourself lucky Sparkler, when you're single you can't call anyone out on being unsupportive but yourself."

Once inside the restaurant, Dorian and Varric had to play a chaotic version of musical chairs to see who was sitting next to Sera due to her history of making ketchup bombs. They were exactly what they sounded like, and they were prone to exploding at the table.

After some help from Bull, Dorian managed to secure the last seat on the opposite side of the table from Sera. Varric grumbling miserably in defeat. Sera was already filling a straw with pepper and vinegar. Nobody wanted to know.

"Whats our first official stop Tiny? I forget everything outside the cramped van once this trip always starts."

The food just started to arrive when Bull started to answer.

"A national park where we'll camp out the night, but from now on ask Cullen, he's got the trip route memorised. I only know the spots Dorian and I can possibly get the van to ourselves."

Bull snuck in a side hug, pulling Dorian closer to him without an ounce of maturity or

Subtlety

"Ugh, TMI you two. We're all eating right now."

Sera launched a spoonful of peas at the couple to separate them. This gave Bull an idea

"Do that again, I want to see if I can get some in my mouth."

Never to object a chance to be chaotic or messy, Sera obliged, loading a spoonful twice as large as before with peas and pulling it back far enough to launch it off the table. Seconds before release, a powerful smack was delivered to the back of Sera's head via Cullen.

"Behave properly for once in your fucking life Sera! This is a nice-"

Cullen was cut off as he watched in horror at the display that unfolded in front of him. His smack surprised Sera enough to make her shoot the peas four feet higher and two times stronger than what was intended. They nothing short but nailed a poor waiter in the head.

"Sir we're so sor-"

Cullen couldn't finish once again as a mildly loud explosion went off behind him. Turning around revealed half the table and its occupants _covered_ in ketchup. Sera's famous ketchup bomb never fails. A whirl of fast paced commands erupted from a furious and flustered Cullen.

"Everyone, grab the food and get out as fast as possible! I left the money on the table but we're gone! Go! Go!"

It looked like a robbery had just taken place. Everyone was tripping over one another to get out of the restaurant's door with various foods amongst them. An entire steak being held between Bulls teeth. Piling in the car was more efficient than ever as the rage from cullen scared everybody. The tires screeching as they drove off.

"We will be eating fast food the rest of this trip unless I get an apology from someone within the next twenty seconds." Cullen's knuckles were turning white from gripping the steering wheel so hard. The grinding of his teeth was audible to the whole car.

"I'm sorry Cullen."

The voice came from the back of the car, not from the shotgun seat or passenger seat, but the back. From Cole. with total sincerity. Cullen's death grip on the wheel loosened.

"I appreciate it Cole, but you didn't need to say it."

No one said anything. The situation still hanging, undiffused.

"You needed to hear it. You made it sound like it had to be Sera or Bull but it could be anyone. You felt like you deserved an apology and your anger wouldn't leave unless you got one."

Cullen sucked in a breath as if to prepare an argument, but released the breath in defeat.

"Fair enough. You got me. How the fuck are you so oblivious sometimes but still manage to major in psychology?"

"Helping people is what I want. Being good with the mind just helps me."

Varric slaps Coles back happily.

"That's our Cole. Weird and wonderful all in one!"

There was little chatting for the next hour or small talk about future events of the trip, but everyone's attention was brought elsewhere when a terrible smell started to fill the car. Dorian was the first to react.

"Ick what the hell is that? Sera if that's a leaking stink bomb I will murder you."

"Not one of mine. Your eyes would be burning if it were built by me."

"Well are we passing a cow pasture? What the hell is it?"

At the mention of cows, Sera's eyes fell onto Bull, who was trying his hardest to focus his attention on the barren fields outside the partially rolled down window. A guilty expression evident on his face.

"Bull, is there something you're not telling us?"

He pushed his face closer to the window.

"No."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Everyone except Cullen was now focusing their gaze on him.

"Normally when Buttercup has a hunch it's rare for her to be wrong Tiny."

Bulls face was starting to redden. His face now pressed up against the glass of the window.

"I Don't know what you guys are talking about."

His hand subtly shifted to his stomach. Dorian noticed.

"Bull, is something wrong?"

Genuine concern cloaked his voice. A fierce growl that was heard through the whole car was enough for Bull to fess up.

"Alright! Yes its me. Antivan food gives me terrible gas. I tried to tell you guys but no one would listen. I even said there would be consequences. This is what I meant by it!"

A roar of complaints and frustrated cries of 'roll down the windows!' radiated through the entire van. Dirty glares descended onto Bull from everyone. Aside from Dorian.

"Are you okay my amatus? Are you uncomfortable? I brought antacid tablets if you need them. I'm sorry I forgot about how Antivan food treats you."

Dorian dug into the toiletry bag at his feet and pulled out a travel sized packet of small pills. He tore them open and handed two to Bull along with a water bottle. Everyone stared at Dorian in both appreciation and wonder.

"He can't eat a few things, and with a month of travel there was no doubt I needed to be prepared."

"Thanks Kadan."

"Speaking of food, where's the cherries? I forgot my lunch in the restaurant and i'm totally starving right now."

"Heads up."

Soaring through the air over Dorians head, Varric had chucked the bag of cherries from the back of the car to the front. Sera caught it flawlessly. Cullen was still unimpressed

"Don't throw stuff in the car! Do you want an accident on your hands guys!"

Sera rolled her eyes as she struggled with the packaging of the cherries with her teeth.

"Yes dad. I'll be on good girl behavior from now on."

Not five seconds after the words left her lips, a huge tear ripped through the bag, sending cherries all across the car. One landing across the car onto Dorians lap, making him yelp in surprise.

"Ha, Cherry poppers! In the car nonetheless."

No one said anything. The joke not even being groan worthy. A sudden swerve of the car jolted everyone from their seat.

"Cullen what the hell?"

Sera blurted out as she held her head which had smashed into the window.

"I'm done. Let's see where the car takes us."

A blank expression was held on Cullen's face. The car now traversing down a terribly beaten dirt path.

"You maniac! Where are you taking us?"

Dorian screamed as his face connected with the window. Nothing but trees and dirt visible to the naked eye. Sera started screaming as the car sped up. The smallest bump made everyone rocket off their seat.

"Stop the car or we'll all die!"

Bull grabbed the ceiling handle that Sera had dubbed the 'holy shit we're all gonna die' handle. Which in this moment, the name seemed appropriate. Seconds later Cullen shifted the gear of the van and pulled a massive drift with the large van screeching along the way, everyone in the car except Cullen was screaming. Finally, with one final gear shift into park, Cullen slammed on the brakes, bringing the car to a complete stop.

"Were here."

Once the screaming died down, everyone glanced out their window, revealing a huge, open field with one van already parked on the grass.

"Sorry guys. I needed to get that out of my system."

Not another word was said as Cullen pulled his door open and stepped onto the field to stretch his legs. The rest of the group followed, with more chaotic results.

"Bull you're sitting on my headphones."

"Sorry Cole."

"Varric if you get us stuck again I will Kick you in your ass so hard you'll turn gay"

"Sparkler you are standing on my foot."

"Dorian open the door more, my Shoulders are hitting the sides."

"Bull its open as wide as it goes. Get out sideways."

Once everyone was out, sighs of relief from stretched legs rang throughout the air. Sera began doing cartwheels through the grass in joy.

"Hey Dorian, you happy to be out of the car?"

Bull patted Dorian's back.

"At this point in time Bull, it's one of the best feelings ever."

"Better than sex?"

Dorian sighed.

"No. Don't worry. You're still my best."

Bull punched Dorians arm.

"Glad to hear it you old fop."

"Think this trip will be the best we've been on?"

Bull sighed.

"I hope so. Believe it or not I'm gonna miss this."

Dorian walked over and put his hand on Bulls arm.

"I think I will too."


End file.
